The Pitstop

I have come to believe that saying that aloud to myself (My Life Rocks) and declaring it publicly will eventually make me feel that way – good about myself and my life.

Every day you happen to ask as well as answer the question innumerable times  “How are you doing?”. I found more people answering with a “Good”, “Great”, quite unlike to mine rather sad “Fine” and “Ok’. I mean, thats truly how I felt on most days – not too great; life was fine, just chugging along, but not really awesome for me to feel like the others. I had more complaints, cribs, grudges, dissatisfaction than reasons for being happy, content. (Back to this in a while)

Even if I ever did feel good some day for some reason, I tried to hide it. I started understating my joyful moments to others. I just didnt want anyone to misequate my happiness to me leading a fun-filled/luxurious/worry-free/responsibility-free life, especially when it was not like that in reality. And with time, it had become an inherent part of me to portray a miserable, not-so-happening, not-so-exciting life.

With me carrying on with my life on this track, while also being very much conscious of it, I did start feeling the absurdity of how I was tackling this whole thing. I realized that I was paining myself to show others a pained side of me. I was hurting myself by keeping joys under wrap. I was pulling myself down and keeping myself away from leading an open life. It also occurred to me that everybody who was saying they’re doing great (coming to the earlier stated point) didnt exactly have a problem-free life.

Prodding on this for long, one fine day I concluded it was okay to feel positive about myself and my life and I should not stop it from reflecting off me in its true nature, irrespective of what impression it might have on others. I decided I have to stop caring if my reasons of happiness would make somebody else feel jealous, miserable, less blessed, unfortunate, or less lucky. Its much cliched but I needed to just let go and learn to just be myself. Needed to tell myself that my life indeed rocks, for multiple reasons. No pretense, no lies, no understatements. And it suddenly uncomplicated a lot of things and situations. I have actually started feeling freer, happier, and surprisingly more content. Its okay to be luckier than others, at least in some respects . Guess thats the core feeling that had been bothering me. Earlier, I would feel guilty for sharing my excitement thinking it might sadden others at their state of affairs.

I do believe that life takes a full circle, with everybody getting their share of highs and lows, good times and bad times. I too go through hard times when the whole world seems to be having fun. So I neednt feel guilty when I am having fun while some others cannot. After all, eventually it all balances out.

I am not sure how articulate I have been and how clear this whole issue will come across. There’s still so much that I have not been able to pen down. Its complicated . Guess thats what complexes are!

Every body around me (at least 7 out of 10 people) is a somebody, excelling in something they can boast about. I am not talking about the skills they have acquired in their career/profession. I am talking about the passions they have pursued outside their profession. So, a doctor may be an outstanding cook and may have published a couple of books, or a restaurateur may be seriously pursuing painting on the side, or an IT engineer may be a photography buff. There are people who engage in social activities over the weekend, some others contribute to the Opensource world, and yet others are busy honing their skills at dance. In earlier times, just pursuing a job in addition to being a mother, father, son was doing the exceptional. Now, it seems you have some standing, you are some somebody only if you’re doing something over and above your job.

Me? I am neither a poet, nor a writer. Neither a painter, nor a rock climber. Neither a social activist, nor a good citizen. Neither a dancer, nor a good cook. There isn’t a single thing I can say I am good at or I would love to do. I am just living as it comes, not striving to be anywhere, not striving to be somebody, not striving to sharpen any skills that I may be faintly good at it. I am not passionate about something/anything. Or so it seems. Because there are things I would like to pursue but I am not pushy enough to bring them to implementation. That makes me seem uncaring, unpassionate about my apparent “passions”.

Who then am I? Where do I stand in the society? What am I contributing to the world? What am I achieving in my lifetime? Do I really need to be somebody? Can’t I just be, be nobody, be whatever I am, just continue to live life the way its going, and gradually wither off?

The good news is that that my going away from this world will not be such a big loss for the humankind. Nobody is going to particularly miss me for some skills I possessed because I never acquired them. I don’t necessarily yearn for people to remember me after I am gone, or for that matter, even when I exist.